Surrendering & Trusting in the Universe
I wrote an original blog post earlier in the week around how shitty I’ve been feeling. I had a hell of a week. I was in this void of being lost. My mind was racing, my body in a state of anxiety, my soul battered and wounded. I couldn’t focus. Many aspects contributed to this sense of sadness, loneliness, “depression”, blackness. The typical “shoulds” creeping in. I was wallowing in these emotions, not seeing past or through. I was completely blocked & feeling effectively stuck in this thick molasses of doubt. And I was sitting in the discomfort, waiting for it to end, not remembering that the key to breaking through it all was always within me. And that’s what I want to talk about now - Not about those feelings & emotions, even though they are incredibly important to acknowledge & recognize. I would like to talk about what helped me shake the sticky, dark cobwebs free, and again, start to breakthrough into the light, because I feel the importance within that experience.
Quite simply, I surrendered. I had a breakdown on Thursday and I surrendered to the Universe. I called upon Her & my Spirit Guides for help. Within that came a major realization that I cannot do this alone, there is a Power greater than me that’s guiding me along and I commit to placing my trust in Her.
I have so much to write about this, about my relationship with Her - Where do I start. I guess I can trace it back to about a decade or so ago. A good friend of mine at the time was just starting to dive head first into Chinese Medicine, more specifically, acupuncture. She was also a dedicated traveller and wanted to learn all about the world and its healing practices. She travelled down to the Amazon, camera in tow, and participated in her very first Ayahuasca ceremony, in her twenties. And recorded the whole journey. This was before I had heard about anyone involving themselves in something quite as magical & healing as this plant medicine. I was enchanted, but at a distance. She came back from that experience and spoke on an entirely other level. High above any frequency I was tuned into. She was my first understanding about Mother Earth, and the Universe, and the power that surrounds us all.
She spoke to asking the Universe for guidance at that time to me. She could see and understand that I was very lost and hurting – drinking to numb, to forget, to smile. She gave me a book by Eckhart Tolle, and told me that I only needed to ask the Universe for what I wanted and She would help me attain. Problem was, I was altogether self absorbed and living so unconsciously at that time, I nodded my head in agreement, but had no real understanding of what she was talking about. But I went ahead and did it anyway. Seemed like a great resolution to my problems at the time, and not a lot of work on my end. And the difference I can see now is that I was asking for selfish reasons, with no real heart or intention behind any of it, or consideration. Instead of looking inward and asking myself what I truly wanted, what would align with me at that time, I blindly went in asking for outside sources to make me feel whole. I vividly remember one of my “asks” to the universe around that time was for a man to enter my life. That I was “ready” to be in a relationship and that’s what I wanted. Holy hell. I can laugh about it now, but that was a truly sad moment. Not only was I doing the Universe a disservice asking for something so special & sacred as another human being to enter my world so carelessly, but holy shit myself too. And I was perplexed and confused at why it wasn’t happening for me. My first experience with the Universe and she wasn’t listening – or so I thought…
Jokes on me. She was listening, and listening closely. Much of what the Universe had done for me up until I started living a more conscious life was for my own protection. She knew I wasn’t ready for the experiences She had lined up for me, and so She waited in the wings patiently, without judgment, until I was ready, until just a few short months ago.
This may all seem WU-WU to some, and that’s OK. As you can read from the above, I've also been there. And now I’m not. It’s not my job to convince you one way or another. All I can do is communicate my experiences as they unfold. And currently, I'm deepening the levels of my consciousness to where I can feel a Power greater than myself take hold. I believe wholeheartedly in the Universe and Her Power, and have come to rely on Her as a major ally as I navigate my way through the next stages of my life. I have started to build an amazing relationship with Her – One of love, compassion, zero judgment, comfort, power, intention and brutal honesty. She knows when my asks are out of alignment or integrity because She lets me feel that they are. And I can tell you this much, it don’t feel good. And She definitely doesn't let anything slide.
Back to my story of this week and surrendering. I was so caught up in playing victim again, that I let slip one of the most important things in my life - Ask for help. That’s what our Guides, Source, Universe, Higher Power, whatever you want to call it, that’s what they’re there for. I was on my way to work an event Thursday, and I just started bawling in my car. There was no more I myself could do and so I asked for help. And it came in spades. I’ll just sweeten my story with a sample of ah-ha experiences since asking for help on Thursday :
Took a sip of vodka purely by accident, and felt as though I was going to absolutely hurl. My insides were coming part. This was my first taste of alcohol since I quit drinking almost 19 months ago. That’s over a year and a half, wow. Anyway, historically I would have lost my shit. Felt so ashamed I let that happen. Kicked & screamed I allowed that poison to enter my body (albeit accidentally). But I took a step back and looked at it another way. The Universe was saying to me – “I did that for a reason. I set a vodka soda down beside your glass of soda so you would have a sip and realize how far you’ve come. Don't ever doubt yourself. You're exactly where you need to be.” It wasn’t a test, but a realization, one I am very grateful to accept.
I received a text out of the blue from my coach & good friend Jillian on Friday. We’ve texted back and forth over the past few months, but hadn’t had a proper session or talk. She reached out and said she had been thinking about me, and did I want to hop on a call with her that afternoon to chat. Ah, YEAH. And chat we did. Along with a call from another very meaningful person in my life that day, the balls starting rolling, and the heavy clouds began to clear. I needed to get back to my original intention for leaving my 9-5 and going out on my own. To why I quit drinking to live an amazing life and to help others. To why I am studying the ancient & amazing healing practice of Ayurveda. And to have some compassion & appreciation for myself and all the work I’ve done in these short 19 months.
For the first time ever, I created & performed my own Summer Solstice Ritual where I renewed some intentions, released some old habits/patterns/institutions that weren’t serving me anymore, and asked for further guidance and assistance along the way.
People who I had been manifesting to come into my life in a most positive, spiritual & knowledgeable manor are starting to reach out, and meetings have been set in place this upcoming week to connect.
And I won the lottery. I won't tell you how much, but it definitely made me chuckle.
And I feel the biggest lesson I learnt this week when asking for help was to just let go. Let go of the outcome, let go of the way I think or feel it should look. I have no way of knowing that. All I can do is show up with a full heart and genuine intention and the rest I leave up to Her. And I’m just scratching the surface of all of this. There are so many levels & layers to surrendering myself to the Powers greater than me. Yes, it is a place of unknown, and it’s the best possible place to be. xo - K
Artwork by : @becca_reitz