The May Experiment
As my monthly "experiments" come to an end, I've had time to reflect on what's gotten me to this place of unknown and excitement. From January to June, I've used myself as a guinea pig of life, trials, mistakes, messiness, vulnerability and drive. I've incorporated a lot in these short months, and am proud to be at a place where I was able to do that. Now comes the biggest experiment of all - LIFE.
My "corporate" exertion came to an end on Thursday. I am now free to explore my passions, my thirst for further knowledge & education and my own personal evolution into health & wellness. I am so far removed from alcohol dependency. I can now concentrate on what I want without those types of interferences getting in the way. And I am so grateful to be in the position to able to do so. And I created that space. It wasn't long ago that I had no real reason to wake up in the morning. No ambition or lust for life. To even imagine a life that I truly wanted and desired seemed as though it would only be accomplished in another lifetime. But over the course of a multiple months, I got so sick of my shit, I realized there had to be a better way to live and started making the appropriate changes to do so.
So here's my last breakdown of how May went, and what's to come for the rest of my time on this earth:
Daily Morning Routine - I cannot stress the importance of this. The days I just don't want to invest in this are the days I need to do it the most. And now that I have been meditating on the regular, when I miss a morning, I really truly feel it. And by that, I mean I feel off. I'm more irritable, easily frustrated, cranky, you name it. No good comes from me not sticking to my daily morning routine. And now that I have stepped away from corporate life, I can begin to incorporate even more into that. Which I can't even tell you how much that excites me.
CP Therapy - My friend Heather and I go way back, to our advertising days at TAXI. We were both miserable in our positions. What I know now is that I was so out of integrity with myself at that time (including drinking an obscene amount just to get through my day to day), that anything in my life then felt like utter torture. I remember taking the street car (I lived in Toronto at the time) into our downtown office daily and just praying for it to derail so I wouldn't have to go in that day. My clients treated me like shit because I allowed them to. I was crying victim all the way. I believe Heather and I both shared in that experience to a certain extent. We bonded over our sadness and despair during that time. That was close to a decade ago and we have since remained close friends. In fact, we both decided enough was enough, and decided to make positive changes in our lives. Which meant going to the spiritual side, and years of self reflection & hard work. Heather has since paved the way for herself to become a Reiki Practitioner and also a Completion Process Certified Practitioner. And I can't emphasis enough how proud I am of her. We did our first CP session together recently, and how fucking incredible it was for me. I went deeper into a really quite scary and heartbreaking memory from childhood that I could never really seem to overcome. She walked me through the process so respectfully & graciously that I was able to mold into that younger version of myself in so much hurt, sadness, neglect & abandonment. I was able to acknowledge and feel her pain, and ultimately release it. That's something that years of therapy prepared me for, but still didn't include the proper tools to finish the job. We will continue with our sessions, and to hopefully continue to free me from developed childhood behaviours & patterns that just aren't serving me anymore.
Bonny Method of Guide Imagery & Music (GIM) - This is another fucking awesome personal development facet that I'm trying. Elle McAndrews has been hosting me through these GIM sessions - "A music-oriented exploration of consciousness. It offers persons the opportunity to integrate mental, emotional, physical & spiritual aspects of well being, as well as awaken to a greater transcendent identification". Sign me up! The first session we had, after what felt like an amazing & safe visualized journey into the forest, without warning I became totally paralyzed from movement, blocked if you will. I couldn't tear myself away from this wall of thorns. I started to feel scared & anxious. Elle brought me back by suggesting I follow the sounds of the music, and all of the sudden, I was being guided away from the fear, and back into the forest. A presence was there, one I couldn't see but only feel. And it was beautiful. It created (or maybe I did) a perfect sphere all around me. Like I was the centre of a snow globe. Electric currents were pulsating through the sphere and all I once I felt Protected. Like I have this life force now and I am going to be OK. Through anything, I will always be OK. And I have never felt that. Deep down, from perhaps old learnt childhood behaviours, I think I always felt as though if anything major were to happen to me (abandonment, neglect), that I would or could die. But now I know - I won't. My life on this earth will one day come to its end, but until then, I'm going to be OK.
The next session was just as incredible. After another stop in the forrest, I came upon an amazingly powerful creature. What came to mind was the Disney character Maleficent. She was sitting on a rock with a black cloak that drifted up to her ears, and down through the moss on the forest floor. And she was POWERFUL. And she was me. I wanted to run and be with her, but she stopped me dead in my tracks. I had to earn her trust and prove to her I was able to handle all of what she was offering. And so I did. I came to her full of respect & appreciation, and permission. Sowly she allowed me to approach, and finally sit on her lap. And I did. I began to mold into this powerful creature. She has always been inside of me, I had just suppressed her for so long with feelings of unworthiness, fear, shame. No more. I am her and she is me. And I am POWERFUL. And with that comes great responsibility. And transparency, and trust in my intuitive nature. From these experiences, I was able to create my own mantra around the feeling of Power, and being Powerful - "My Mind is Powerful. My Words are Powerful. My Voice is Powerful. My Heart is Powerful. My Sexuality is Powerful. I Am Powerful."
K2 Speaker Series Panel Discussion Nights - Kira & I decided to postpone our May K2 Speaker Series until June. This has been a huge area of learning for me. As the old cobweb of shitty thoughts blanketed my mind - "Who are you to start something like this?" "No one is going to show up." "Insert next shitty thought here." I allow them to come. I am aware of these thoughts and not letting them overtake the good that can come from these nights. My intention for these discussion nights is so pure that I have no doubt we - and the amazing women who give their time, knowledge & experience to discuss their experiences - are doing the right thing. Providing an important service. So if you are reading this, please consider attending one of our Speaker Series nights, I promise you, you won't be disappointed.
VivifyDogs - Although this isn't my passion project per se, it will allow for me to bring in some income while I dive head first into my Ayurvedic studies. It will allow for me to be in nature, while spending time with the most compassionate of species. Forget business school, this is my eduction moving forward.
Onto June & the rest of my friggen life. My blogs and instagram posts are going to take on a whole new feel. They will be geared much towards my journey from structured organizations and 9-5 life, to being in business for myself, Ayurveda and its practices, health & wellness, writing and my continued journey into personal evolution. And I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea what any of this is going to look like, but the most important aspect for me is that I'm willing to try. xo - K